i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
