How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Randomize
