Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize