I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
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