you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
