Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
