Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
