im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
I just want nice things and good sex
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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