Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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