nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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