You're a womanizer and a bitch.
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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