my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Randomize
