its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
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