when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Randomize
