I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
