ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Randomize
