Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
