dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Randomize
