i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
