Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
