You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Randomize