i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Randomize