Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
