Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
