Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
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