I think I won the penis lottery.
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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