i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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