I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
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