hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
