Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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