Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Randomize
