Actions speak louder than pants.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
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