I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
