I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
