I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
This is classic penis vs brain.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
