I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Randomize
