Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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