just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
we made out on top of his cat.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
That accounts for only three of the penises
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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