New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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