I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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