we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Randomize
