What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
