Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
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