tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
i hate that site..its like every vagina you dont wanna see
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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