Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
