i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Randomize
