I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
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