Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
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