Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
