That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
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