just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
