Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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