Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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