Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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