if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
