I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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