I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize