I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Randomize
