I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I'm too high and old for this...
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
