dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Randomize
