i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
